Commentary – Sea Stories and other lies

Understanding the Midterms Without Narcotics

The 2022 midterm elections are finally over. Right? I think they’re over. Please tell me we’re done with the midterms. The commercials are gone and the polling centers are closed, but like a lingering party guest at 2:00 am, the election just won’t go away.

*_{U.S. Government photograph. Source: Wikimedia Commons}*

The midterm election was November 8th with the final results posted in December, which seems like a long time to wait but there is a good reason. In the United States elections are conducted in accordance with each state’s constitution. In some states, votes are hand counted by a committee of 3rd graders with ADHD.

With the final results posted, it was time to get on with our lives. No, sorry, we don’t do that anymore. Instead, it was time to file lawsuits challenging the results. These cases will work their way through the courts methodically, ensuring that they will neither end, nor affect the outcome of the election.

_{Walker and Warnock face off in their second election this year. Source: Wikimedia Commons (Walker) / U.S. Senate (Warnock)}

Next came the Georgia runoff elections, required by state law in order to preserve a sense of mystery. Neither of the two Senate candidates received a majority of votes in the general election and both appeared equally undesirable. Democrat Raphael Warnock had few fans as many voters associated him with the need to find a co-sign to buy milk. On the other hand, Republican Herschel Walker, a retired football star with no government experience, was averaging 38 scandals a day. Republicans appeared to have an advantage when it was revealed that upward of 87% of the state’s population had been fathered by Walker. In the end however, Warnock won, which is sad for the Walker family.

The completion of the runoffs marked the end of the midterms. At least it should have. Instead there was some drama in House of Representatives. Electing the speaker of the House took a few more ballots (approximately 6,295) than normal (one). As the voting wore on, members took turns accusing each other of being Nazis. Many feared a despotic future, lacking the wisdom of a functioning legislature. Things looked bad, but then a hero emerged from the group. Congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) fearlessly conceded to an elaborate list of demands (it’s rumored he ritually sacrificed a senior EPA official to prove his loyalty) and secured election as the speaker of the House.

So now the election was finally over and if there is one thing we can learn, it’s that we all hate each other. The whole country is acting like a divorced couple dividing the property, “Oh yeah, you want California, you can keep California. Keep California and your earthquakes and wildfires, but don’t you mess with Texas, I’m keeping that. And you know what, I’m also keeping the Dakotas. Yeah, both of them. And Georgia? We’ll talk about Georgia later.” So things aren’t perfect, but at least we can put the midterms behind us and move on to more pleasant things like war with China.

But wait, no, not yet. Even though it is clearly 2023 and we have plenty of our own problems, the 2022 election still won’t die. There are allegations that newly elected Congressman George Santos (R-NY) lied during his campaign. This, in and of itself, is hardly noteworthy. We expect politicians to lie, and we pretend to believe them as long as they to put forth a moderate effort to avoid getting caught. That’s the social agreement.

_{George Santos: A face you can trust.}
_{Source: Wikimedia Commons}

Congressman Santos, however, is pushing it a little. It looks like he lied about every credential aside from his name. From his religion, family history, education, work experience, to a brain tumor, he has pretty much lied about everything that has ever happened, ever. Not surprisingly, members of congress are divided in their reactions. Democrats (definitely not motivated by weakening the GOP majority) are calling for his resignation. Republicans (definitely not motivated by maintaining their tiny majority) disagreed. Republicans note that Santos was fairly elected and will have to answer to the voters (who are definitely paying attention to all this).

When challenged, Santos admitted to “embellishing my resume,” immediately making him the most honest representative in office. “I’m sorry,” he added, which sounded sincere, and I see no reason why we should not trust him.

Surprisingly, Florida had no issues despite a reputation of electoral difficulties. In recent years the Sunshine State improved ballot counting so effectively that the November election results were completely tabulated in September. Ron DeSantis was then installed as dictator-for-life in a lively ceremony where he drank from the severed head of Mickey Mouse while tossing his opponents to the alligators.

And so, it ends? We can hope. The 2022 midterm election is an experience best left in the past, only referenced when we need to tell our grandchildren about real problems. Our attention now turns to the important work these elected officials are going to screw up for the next two years, when we will definitely hold them accountable (probably).

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Lucky Recruits Get 2 Extra Weeks at Boot Camp

If you have been following the news (my condolences) you may have noticed about a thousand articles (or possibly, one article posted a thousand times on social media) reporting that the U.S. Navy boot camp has been extended from eight to ten weeks of training. Fortunately, in this ever-divided world, the Navy is finally taking action that cannot possibly be interpreted as a partisan political issue.

Recruits pass-in-review at boot camp graduation. Source: Wikimedia Commons.

Don’t be a moron. Everything these days is a partisan political issue. If you watch Fox News, you know that this is part of the plan for the woke military leaders to turn the Navy in to a hippy commune. On the other hand if you watch CNN, you realize that this is a vital change to ensure that our sailors aren’t extremist neo-Nazi rapists. If you watch MSNBC, you probably have a long stream of drool puddling in your lap. No matter where you look, you can see the military’s public image is doing well.

I for one support this new plan. Why, you may ask? Because I, like so many retired sailors, realize that it in no way affects me.

What’s going to happen during these additional two weeks? That’s a great question. The focus is on preparing sailors for the fleet. Now I know what you are thinking, “Isn’t that what the other eight weeks are for?”

Don’t be stupid. The first eight weeks of boot camp are devoted to marching, making your bunk 47 times a day, and doing pushups as a punishment for not marching well or making your bunk correctly. Also there are classes on naval culture and procedures and some uniform inspections.

With all this vital training there is no spare time to teach recruits what they need to know in the fleet. Initially the plan was to make boot camp even longer. At the planning stage they wanted to lengthen boot camp to 20 years and at the end, instead of graduation, there would be a retirement ceremony.

But the question still remains, what is the important training that will take place in the additional two weeks? To answer that we turn to the Navy Times, the source of all naval wisdom for those who don’t know how to look up instructions. According to the Navy Times this time will be utilized for the “Sailor for Life” module, which is a retention tool designed to ensure that all graduates reenlist. As part of the training all sailors will be implanted with a microchip that will provide an electric shock any time they think about getting out.

Okay, that’s not 100% true. It turns out that the Sailor for Life module contains training on sexual harassment/assault prevention, suicide prevention, anti-hazing, organization, financial management, and time management. Since this is basically the same training sailors in the fleet attend at regular intervals, it is perfect for preparing new recruits for their first assignment. Although the article doesn’t mention it, I like to think that the module incorporates simulated ATG assessments, underway schedules, watch rotations, 3M maintenance, etc. throughout the day while sandwiching the training in the middle as the instructor speed reads 150 slides to a half-awake audience.

The fact is, sailors need this training in the fleet, and the last thing the Navy wants is new sailors reporting for duty without the basic ability to attend this training without falling asleep. We train the way we fight.

The only problem with the Sailor for Life module, is I don’t think it covers everything. The U.S. Navy is a complex organization with many nuances that are confusing to new recruits. With just a couple additional weeks the curriculum could be expanded to include the following essential subjects:

-Where to find all the 400 million instructions and references (from the Defense Department, the Navy, your region, your fleet, your squadron, your command, your department, etc.) that regulate every part of your life. There are four people in the Navy who know where all of these are.

-How to set Yoke. (Everyone not in the engineering department is guessing).

-How to draft an outgoing message (ask the ITs to do it for you).

-How to conduct drills without waking up the air detachment personnel, who require 16 hours of sleep.

-What to do if the shower curtain touches you (report to medical immediately, they may have to amputate).

-What to do if you take a shower without shower shoes (get your affairs in order).

-What you should say at captain’s call when they ask if there are any questions (nothing).

-What to do when you are late for watch (apologize profusely, offering up your first born as a sign of contrition).

-What to do when you wake up naked in a foreign prison with a hangover (pray).

-How to make more money by marrying someone you just met.

I’m sure I’m leaving out something here. If you have any ideas let me know and we’ll send them off to the Navy. Remember, boot camp is ten weeks now, but with a little imagination we can round it out to a solid three months (or more).

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How much fun is DRB? It kind of depends…

Ship's Chief Petty Officers of USS Fulton (AS-1) photographed on board the ship at the New London submarine base, New London, Connecticut, in 1919. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ship%27s_Chief_Petty_Officers_of_USS_Fulton_(AS-1).jpg — Chiefs who will sit your DRB. (Source: Wikimedia Commons)

Hey there loyal readers, fans, and people I am blackmailing to increase my readership. Welcome back to Sea Stories and Other Lies. Today I am answering another question from a reader just like yourself… well, hopefully not exactly like yourself. Today’s question comes from Randall in Norfolk (of course it comes from Norfolk).

He writes: Dear Rob, Last night I went out to the bar with some friends. I won’t go into the details (I don’t really remember them anyway), but suffice it to say, when I woke up I discovered that I was on the wrong ship and it was underway. After a complicated helicopter flight back to my ship I was informed that I have to go to DRB. What can I expect at DRB? How should I prepare?

Thanks for the question. It’s sailors like you, Randall, who keep me in business. Before we dive into this question, let’s give some explanation. A disciplinary review board (DRB) is an investigative part of the Navy’s non-judicial punishment process. The board consists of a number of chief petty officers who ask questions, gather information, and forward recommendations to the executive officer and commanding officer concerning violations of the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ).

Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, like so many things in the Navy (getting OC sprayed comes to mind) things are not as simple as they sound. Don’t worry, Randall. It’s not really a big deal. Which of us, having spent any time in the Navy, hasn’t found themselves underway on the wrong ship as result of a night of hard drinking? I’m lying, of course. This is a really big deal and however much you are worrying about it, it’s probably not enough.

Being late to work (unauthorized absence or UA) is a pretty big deal in the Navy. If you are an hour late to work, you are going to be in a bit of trouble. If the ship is gone when you get there then you are going to be in a lot of trouble. If you are late to work because you are accidentally underway on another ship… well, now you are in unexplored territory.

Falling asleep on the wrong ship is a rarity in the Navy. A rarity, but not unheard of. Occasionally nesting ships (ships that are moored side by side) can have a problem. A friend of mine, let’s call him Roy, once stumbled across the quarterdeck of the inboard (pierside) ship and just went below deck instead of crossing over to his own ship. The next morning he awoke, in what would have been his own bunk, had he been on his own ship, with the actual owner of the bunk asleep on the deck (floor). This is because the previous night Roy, who is built like the offspring of an NFL linebacker and a terminator, found “his bunk” occupied. He then proceeded to throw (literally) the “intruder” to the floor. This poor guy awoke midair and concluded that the deck he landed on was comfortable enough, as he watched this human gorilla climb into his bunk. Fortunately, Roy did not find himself underway that morning and ended up becoming good friends with the guy he accosted. So, in this case, it was a happy ending.

Whether or not you enjoy DRB depends on what your role is. There are three possible rolls at a DRB: the accused, the bailiff, or a member of the board. Since Randall’s likely role will be as the accused, it will not be a whole lot of fun. In fact it’s going to be a lot worse than that. It’s going to be stressful, humiliating, and probably one of the worst experiences you will have in the Navy. The best way to prepare is to ask your mother-in-law to point out all your flaws.

The bailiff is not going to be having a ton of fun either. This is because the bailiff is going to spend the whole time standing right next to the accused to make sure he doesn’t try to strangle the chiefs (which he will want to do at some point). On the upside, as the bailiff, you get to hear all the dirt dished out during the DRB. Unfortunately, because of the sensitive nature of this information, you are not permitted to talk about anything you hear at DRB until you have had at least 4 alcoholic beverages.

The best job to have at DRB is to be one of the chiefs on the board. Hands down, this is far better than the other options. For one thing, the chiefs have chairs. Also they have the solemn responsibility to find out the truth and guide the accused toward good judgment and humility. This is normally accomplished by a lot of yelling.

I’m not going to lie, DRB can be a lot of fun if you are a chief. Let’s say you are having a bad day. You only got 2 ½ hours of sleep last night, your division just screwed up the weekly maintenance, and you just found out all your kids need braces (which is not covered by Tricare). Just when you think you can’t take anymore now you have to deal with a seaman apprentice who thought it would be funny (which it was) to steal all the penguins from SeaWorld and put them in the XO’s stateroom. Your mounting stress and frustration has just found an extraordinary release and all in the service of the U.S. Navy.

There are different ways to approach this. Some just like to yell at the accused. Others like to play the nice (ish) guy and ask questions. My favorite was the passive aggressive route. I liked to ask a lot of leading questions and see how long it took for contradictions to develop, then let one of the yellers take over. There is no wrong way to do a DRB, as long as you are pursuing the truth it’s all good.

In your case, Randall, it’s not going to be fun. There are two possible outcomes. You can get yelled at for an hour and be sent up to see the XO and CO for captain’s mast, or you can get yelled at for an hour and have the charges dropped and be assigned extra military instruction. Given all the trouble you have caused, unless you also have recently discovered a cure for cancer, you are probably going to see the captain afterward. The good news is that after your DRB, captain’s mast will feel like a vacation.

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Navy Engineers, Who’s the Best?

U.S. Navy photo by MC2 Steven King (Released) (Source: Wikimedia Commons)

It’s time again to open up the email bag and answer one of your questions in such a way that you will actually be less knowledgeable when we’re done.

Today’s question comes from Patrick in San Diego. He writes, “Who are your most and least favorite engineers onboard a ship and why?”

I’m going to take a shot in the dark and assume that Patrick is an engineer, because, until something breaks, only engineers care about engineers. This can be seen on the chart below:

This is a tough question to answer simply. There are many different kinds of engineers and different platforms in which they work. Before I answer this question, we must first look at the engineers as a whole.

I should make a clarification for any civilian or Air Force readers. When I say engineer, I am not referring to scientific professionals who design and build equipment. We have them in the Navy too, but they are called EDOs or engineering duty officers. EDOs are a fun bunch, the type of people who would consider an evening solving equations as a wild night. Engineers, in Navy parlance, are mechanics, electricians, and plumbers/fire fighters (yep we group these two together).

Typically called snipes, engineers can be divided into two camps: pit snipes and fresh air snipes. Pit snipes are the engine technicians (ENs, MMs, and GSMs). Fresh air snipes are the electricians (EM, GSE) and repair types (DC, HT).

Pit snipes keep the engines running (you know, those things that move the ship) and spend most of their time in the engine room (the pit). These guys are responsible for pretty much every piece of mechanical equipment aboard. They are rarely seen topside, and never without a rag, ear plugs, and a generous coating of grease. You don’t want to make the pit snipes angry. They have the ability to turn off the a/c or water to your berthing compartment.

Fresh air snipes are a little different. Their time in the engine room is limited to routine maintenance and catastrophic events (like an ATG visit). They spend most of their time topside in the fresh air. They’re like day-walker vampires. They work in the daylight like topsiders (non-engineers) but make no mistake about it, given the chance they will suck out your blood and then cut your unauthorized electrical cable.

In addition to pit snipes and fresh air snipes there are a few unique engineers I should note. Sailors who work in the nuclear field are also technically engineers. They are normally found on submarines, aircraft carriers, and in comic book stores playing Dungeons and Dragons. These are some of the smartest, if socially awkward, sailors you will ever meet. Their generous enlistment bonuses also make them some of the best paid in the Navy.

The machinery repairmen are also a unique breed. One of the smallest ratings, MRs are capable of fabricating anything required to repair any equipment. In this role they are incredibly underutilized in the fleet, mostly engraving signs and placards or duplicating keys. They are technically fresh air snipes, but they are the freshest of all the fresh air snipes, barely engineers. I have always had a soft spot for them, since QMs (my rating) don’t really fit in anywhere either.

And let’s not forget the ICs. Interior communication electricians are the ship’s telephone repairmen. They are also engineers. Except that they are not. Or are they? Nobody can keep these guys straight. ICs started out as engineers since they work with electricity like the EMs, but as their gear got much more technologically advanced they began to morph into an electronics technician who fixes phones. Several years back the Navy officially moved ICs from the engineering community to combat systems. So that solved that problem, except that on older ships the ICs continued to work with and considered themselves engineers. In the end I have no idea how they should be classified and am just going to move on.

So which engineer is my favorite, as Patrick asks? That’s really a tough one. Personally I have had many friends who are engineers. On the subject of specific engineering ratings my affection level tends to be in relation to how much I need their skills at a particular moment.

Obviously this can vary quite a bit, depending on the day (or even the minute). Thinking back the engineer I needed the most it would probably be the electricians. On the rare occurrences that I had to tag out electrical equipment, they did it for me. Also, they may have saved my life on several occasions when I was messing with equipment I shouldn’t have been touching.

But I can’t just say that electricians are my favorites. Mostly because it might offend the other engineers who all have access to large hammers and wrenches and who also know how to hide a body. So I’d just like to say that all engineering ratings are my favorite.

Unfortunately, Patrick also asked for my least favorite engineer. Again, this is tough, because of the wrench and hammer thing. So I’m going to have to go with the nuclear technicians. I’ll just have to hope that none of their World of Warcraft talent can be used in the real world. I’m sure that may break their hearts but their $140,000 bonus will console them.

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Yay! The PRT is Back!

Soon the PRT will make an enthusiastic return. (Source: Wikimedia Commons. U.S. Navy photo by MC3 Bennett/Released)

Guess what, everybody? The PRT is back, and it’s back with new and exciting changes. Isn’t that great news? I’m sure you all have lots of questions, which would be easily answered by reading NAVADMIN 304/20, but since you aren’t actually going to read the official guidance, I will answer them here.

It’s been so long; what, exactly, is the PRT? Power Ranger Time? Preventative Resilience Timetable?

The PRT is the Navy’s physical readiness test. The twice annual assessment ensuring you’re still in shape. Your success on the PRT is dependent on a number of variables: how many push-ups and sit-ups you complete, how fast you run 1 ½ miles, and how much money you pay the person who is recording this information. Your age also plays a factor. For example, if you are 18 years old you have to be able to do two thousand push-ups and sit-ups, and complete the run in less than 3 minutes. If you are 40 you must complete the run without dying. I might be a little off on these numbers, because the Navy is always tweaking the PRT rules.

What new changes has the Navy introduced to the PRT?

The Navy has done away with the sit-up (curl-ups) portion of the PRT. Instead of sit-ups, today’s sailors will be flogged by a cat-o-nine tails for 2 minutes. No, just kidding, it’s actually much worse. Sit-ups will be replaced by planks.

No more sit-ups in the PRT. (Source: Wikimedia Commons. U.S. Navy photo by MC3 Barnes/Released)

What are planks? Are we going to have to walk the plank? Is this even safe?

Another great question. No, you will not have to walk the plank. At least not as part of the PRT, but there is talk of making it a punishment as a result of captain’s mast. In the case of the PRT, a plank is an exercise that involves an individual supporting themselves on their hands (or forearms) and feet. Like you are about to do push-ups, but instead you just stay in that position… forever.

Well, not exactly forever, it just feels that way. Time seems to slow down as you perform a plank, as is seen on this comparison chart:

Real Time	Plank Time
1 Second	1 Second
10 Seconds	15 Seconds
30 Seconds	457,298 Years

Are there any other exercises being introduced to the PRT?

Yes, as a matter of fact there is another activity being introduced this year. This year the Navy will also incorporate rowing as an alternative to the run. I, in particular, like this new nautical theme in the PRT. If I could make just one change, it would be to add an outboard engine and maybe some fishing poles.

“Are there other changes are happening this year with the PRT?”

One big change is that there will actually be a PRT. This is a bit different from last year when there was no PRT due to the COVID pandemic. As a result some sailors may be a little out of shape. If at all possible, it is highly recommended that all sailors travel back in time to about a year ago and stay in shape instead of sitting around the house watching Tiger King and eating raw cookie dough. You’re going to need a DeLorean and some plutonium. Of course that would also involve reliving the house-of-horror that was 2020, and nobody wants to do that. This means that you need to burn off 12 months of junk food, and you need to do it now. I say “you” because as a retiree I am free to keep my cookie dough body for as long as I want, or at least until my wife threatens to leave me.

While trying to get back in shape, you are going need to start eating better as well. Don’t worry, I am going to help you. Mainly what you want to do is eat less. What little you do eat, should be healthy and nutritious.

The good news is that these go hand-in-hand, because healthy food isn’t known for its flavor. Try serving asparagus instead of cake at a birthday party and see what it does for your popularity. So while you are eating healthy, you are going to be less inclined to eat.

Go into your kitchen and throw out all your junk food. Next, go to the health food store and buy nutritious food, like kale (kale is still healthy right?) and anything that is gluten free. Now when you get hungry just go to the kitchen and eat whatever your roommate (who is not on a health food craze) has bought. These calories, acquired by theft, do not count and are perfectly healthy to eat (until you are stabbed by your roommate).

So get to work exercising and eating healthy. The PRT is just a few months away, unless the Navy changes the schedule again, but really, what are the chances of that?

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My First Ship Turns 20 Today. Happy Birthday USS Oscar Austin!

USS Oscar Austin (DDG-79) after we found out we just won our first Battle “E.” (Photo by Gia Mate).

Today is an auspicious day. Today is a birthday. Today is a very important birthday of an individual who has had a profound influence on my life and many others. Few people in the world, or even the Navy, will realize it, but for those of us who know her, know that there is something to celebrate. Today is the 20^th birthday of the USS Oscar Austin (DDG-79). What is so special about the Oscar Austin? Who was Oscar P. Austin? These are some great questions (I’m glad you asked) and I am going to answer them today.

USS Oscar Austin is the 29^th U.S. Navy Arleigh Burke-class guided missile destroyer and the first Flight IIA (which has become the predominant subclass) of the class. She was named in honor of Private First Class Oscar P. Austin USMC of Nacogdoches, TX, who received the Medal of Honor posthumously for heroic action in Vietnam.

476px-Austin_OP_USMC — PFC Oscar Palmer Austin, USMC (Source: Wikimedia Commons)

Oscar P. Austin was an absolutely amazing warrior. Although in the Corps for only 10 months, this guy jumped between a fellow Marine and a grenade on the field of battle. This was enough earn the Medal of Honor, but Oscar Austin wasn’t finished. Badly injured from the blast he began treating his fellow Marine. When the enemy tried to shoot them, PFC Austin shielded him again with his body and was mortally wounded. What happened next isn’t exactly clear, what with fog of war, but I heard that, even mortally wounded, Oscar Austin killed the enemy soldier before succumbing to his wounds.

What a bad ass! Screw Chuck Norris jokes, kids should be talking about Oscar Austin: “Did you hear that Oscar Austin had to sleep with the lights on because the dark was afraid of him?” His name was fitting for a warship. Here’s a bit of my story of the USS Oscar Austin (DDG-79). My first ship, my favorite ship, and the best ship in the fleet (although I might be a little biased).

When I reported to the Oscar Austin in November of 1999 she wasn’t even a warship yet. We were the crew of the pre-commissioning unit. Precom duty is interesting. It’s like the opposite of boot camp. It starts off really easy and gradually becomes very hard. You start off living in barracks, working short hours and going to Navy schools. By the time the ship commissions your working half-days (that’s 12 hours in the Navy) with a different inspector crawling up your butt every day. But it doesn’t matter because it’s really impressive to watch a fully operational warship come to life. We moved aboard the ship on May 16, 2000 in Bath, Maine and prepared to sail to our new homeport in Norfolk, VA.

On a hot summer evening in Norfolk on August 19, 2000, USS Oscar Austin was officially commissioned as a warship in the United States Navy. A long list of distinguished guests (including my parents and grandparents) were in attendance. Long and boring speeches were given, or maybe they just seemed that way to me as I stood at parade rest sweating for hours. Our ship’s sponsor gave the command, “Man our ship and bring her to life!” The crew ran aboard the ship and manned the rails. Radars spun, guns elevated, the ship’s whistle bellowed into the otherwise quiet night.

Just before we manned the ship, the spirit of PFC Oscar P. Austin was rung aboard. Eight tones of bell rang out with the Officer of the Deck announcing, “Medal of Honor recipient, arriving.” It was a moving and touching part of the ceremony. However, Sailors’ dark humor being what it is, we blamed everything that went wrong on the ship being haunted (we’re a sick bunch).

Not long after, Oscar Austin, or OA as we came to call her (we never called her “Austin” as there was an LPD with that name), was underway for her shakedown cruise, visiting the Caribbean for the first of many times.

I spent 5 years with the OA. It was some of the worst and some of the best years of my life. I met some of the most incredible people and some of the oddest people, and every kind of person in between. I sailed the Caribbean, the Baltic Sea, the Mediterranean Sea, the Persian Gulf visited numerous ports. Drank a lot of alcohol and spent far too much time with my head over the side of a bridge (if you catch my drift).

Your first ship is a unique experience. You’re still a new Sailor and you still miss being a civilian. There is no frame of reference to cloud your experience. No past duties to compare. Everything is new, confusing, amazing, and overwhelming.

A ship is like a family. A very dysfunctional family, but a family. That’s the Oscar Austin. There is not a person that served with me during those 5 years, that I wouldn’t die for. Although there are a few for whom I would do it grudgingly.

What could I tell you about my time on the OA? How about the Chief who went crazy in the middle of the night in Berthing 1 looking for stowaways (while we were still inport)?

There was the time I went to XOI for getting punched in the face by a much larger and much drunker Sailor and was stuck on “liberty risk” for half the cruise. This happened on the same night that two SMs tried to climb the mast after drinking a bottle of whiskey (yet I was the one to go to XOI… not that I’m bitter).

I remember our ten day port visit in Brest, France (where I learned to speak with an obnoxious French accent) where the entire crew balanced duty days and alcohol poisoning. After that we spent 4 days in Rotterdam / Amsterdam which was immediately followed by an all hands drug test (and we all passed).

I was eating lunch on the mess deck February 18, 2001 watching the Daytona 500 when Dale Earnhardt hit the wall on the last lap, although I didn’t realize he had died until the newspaper arrived the next morning while sanding the pier sentry watch. Later that year greater tragedy hit as I was sweeping the bridge and heard that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center on September 11. That event defined the rest of my tour and really the rest of my Naval career.

IMG_4808(2) — T-Shirt from the maiden deployment.

My first deployment took me to war for the first time. The first half of the cruise focused on the build-up to the invasion of Iraq, escorting war supply ships through the Strait of Gibraltar and Bab-el-Mandeb (referred to as the “BAM” for obvious reasons). The rest of the cruise saw us supporting Shock and Awe and the invasion. We launched at least 30 Tomahawk missiles into Iraq (and thanks to CNN, watched some of them land).

We captured an Iraqi tug boat off the coast of Bahrain after an all-night chase through shoal water on uncorrected charts (talk about pucker factor). Just when our VBSS boarding team was going to get their chance for glory, the USS Cowpens showed up with their embarked Coast Guard law enforcement detachment to take the Iraqi sailors prisoner. The OA was left to stand guard duty on a deserted, anchored old tug while the Cowpens and LE Det took the prisoners back to Bahrain for victory partying (I assume, I have no idea what they actually did).

I served with hundreds of American Sailors on that tour. They fit in every category that you can possibly think of. Every color, religion, or creed. Every intelligence level, hobby, interest, obsession, and vice imaginable. But they were all family. A dysfunctional family, maybe, but family none the less.

Since my time on the OA we have lost some of these family members. One to enemy action, one to a senseless murder, and others to accidents or illnesses. Every time I hear about losing another OA shipmate, whether or not we knew each other well or whether or not we could even stand each other, it breaks my heart.

My tour on the Oscar Austin ended in October 2004. I had spent just under five years with her and I was one the last five plank-owners still aboard. Plank-owners are entitled to bells on their final departure. Mine came shortly after the ship moored from a brief underway. It is customary for the departing Sailor’s division and friends to see them off on the Quarterdeck. In addition, I was honored that every division officer aboard showed up. As a Quartermaster, who stood watch on the bridge with these officers, it is was one of the highest honors I could have received.

I have lost touch with most of shipmates from that tour. Sometimes I’ll come across one of them online. Even rarer I’ll come across someone in real life. Whenever that happens, I regress to my younger self and start reliving my life on the old girl.

In 2018 there was a serious fire on the ship, and she is still in the shipyard getting repaired from that accident. She’s not quite as pretty anymore. She’s got some rust and whole lot more layers of paint these days. But a 20 year old ship isn’t supposed to look as pretty as new ship. A destroyer is a work horse. She ages like a jeep, the older and more banged up she gets, the more impressive she looks.

USS_Oscar_Austin_DDG-79_Crest

It’s been 16 years since I’ve left that ship. I have had an great Naval career. I’ve been on four more deployments and been to numerous countries. I have been accepted in the Chiefs’ Mess. I even grew up a bit (although there is some debate on how much). But looking back, it’s hard to think of anything more impressive than that ship. She was my first ship, and I was her first QMSN. We started our Navy lives together. Now I’m retired and she’s still standing the watch. Congratulations on a proud and successful career. Happy 20th birthday USS Oscar Austin (DDG-79)! Next year you will be old enough to drink, and the first round is on me.

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Eval Writing Part II: NAVFIT’s Revenge

Adobe Photoshop Image (2) — A sailor writing a performance evaluation (Source: Wikimedia Commons; Photo by MC3 Kay; edited by author.)

Hey there, I hope everyone is having a great week and nobody got arrested as a result of my advice. In my last post I answered a question about writing performance evaluations, but I wasn’t able to address the full process, mostly because it is so convoluted that it never really ends. By the time you finish everything, it’s time to start all over again.

Nevertheless I would like to go into a bit more detail. So here you have it, “How to Write Your Eval Part 2.” When we last spoke, you had completed filling out the brag sheet (with lies) and were about to transfer that information (lies) to the official evaluation form using the NAVFIT 98 computer program.

The first thing you are going to have to do is open the NAVFIT 98 program. It’s called NAVFIT because it’s a Navy program for creating fitness reports. It’s called 98 because it was created in 1998. Yes, 1998! To put that in context, I joined the Navy in 1999 and retired last year. And yet NAVFIT 98 is going strong, despite the pleading from a vast majority of sailors for it to submit its retirement papers.

So anyway, now that you have opened up NAVFIT 98 next you need… What do you mean you can’t open it? Just click on the icon on the desktop. There’s no icon? Well just use the start menu to search for it. Still not there huh? Well this happens sometimes.

Sometimes the program is not loaded on all computers at your command. Don’t worry, if you keep searching, eventually you will find a computer with a functioning NAVFIT 98 program on it. It’s normally the computer with a long line of people waiting to use it.

Now that you have spent the better part of your day waiting to use the computer (rather than what the taxpayers are paying you for) it’s time to get started writing your eval. Where it says “name” you write your name. Continue to fill out the heading blocks using common sense. Ha ha! Just kidding. You are going to need help here. What you need is to grab a copy of the Navy Performance Eval System Instruction (BUPERSINST 1610.10E) and leisurely peruse its 199 pages. Then it’s time to hop back in line to use the eval computer.

Once you have filled out the upper portion of the eval you will rate your performance on a scale of 1.0 to 5.0 in various fields related to your work. Here it is tricky. 1.0 in any field means you are a degenerate and 5.0 basically means you have super powers. You are going to fall somewhere in the middle. In all honesty, any sailor who is not a dirtbag basically ranks 3.0 in all fields. This is because 3.0 is defined as “meeting standards.” It means you do your job as expected all the time. As a result, in practice, only the absolutely worst sailors are ranked as a 3.0. If you accidentally shot you supervisor while on watch, you would be ranked as a 3.0 in “Military Bearing.”

Having finished lying about your ranking, you will move on to lie about a recommended future assignment. Here you have the opportunity to list two possible recommendations. Just put any two you want. It makes no difference whether or not you are qualified (or will ever be qualified) for these assignments, nobody is going to read it anyway. You could put down any of the following, LCPO, instructor, MCPON, Fleet Admiral, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Batman, etc. It makes no difference, the importance is to have a dream.

Now comes the part you have been waiting for. Ha ha, no you aren’t done yet. You are just getting started. Now it’s time to write your eval. Now it’s time to fill up the comments block. If you didn’t do well in English class you are going to hate this. On the other hand, if you did well in English class you are really going to hate this, because eval comments are not written based on any agreed-upon rules of the English language.

The comments block is written in “bullet format.” This is a disjointed list of three to four outlandish claims followed by dubious justification. These bullets are always preceded by an unrealistic adjective, for example, “outstanding,” “superb,” “excellent,” “great,” and if you’re feeling ambitious, “magnanimous.” This list normally follows this order: leadership, whatever it is you do, collateral duties, and community involvement.

In practice it might look like this:

-OUTSTANDING LEADER

-SUPERB TECHNICIAN

-EXCELLENT COMMAND INVOLVEMENT

-FANTABULOUS VOLUNTEERER

After each bullet you should add a couple unverifiable fragmented sentences that justify the preceding bullet. You get this information from your brag sheet (remember your brag sheet?). Once you’re done with that it’s time to print your eval out.

One of two things will happen. Either you will forget to save your work and print out a blank eval, or you will realize the printed evaluation has, inexplicably, truncated your report. Either way, you are on your way back to wait in line again at the eval computer to start the experience again. Good luck, you are going to do great!

If you have a question you’d like to ask just click this link and I will be sure to answer it just as soon as I get around to it. If you would like an accurate answer, then you probably shouldn’t.

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“I Love DTS” and Other Things a Sailor Never Says

DSCN3115

It’s that time again. It’s that time where I, your helpful, retired Sailor, answer your questions thoughtfully with sensitivity, though not necessarily with accuracy.

Today’s question comes from Gary in Jacksonville, Florida. He asks: I’m heading up to Brunswick, Maine for training and they told me to take care of it using DTS. I have never used DTS and have no idea what I’m doing. Can you help me?

There are times in life where you just know that you can make a difference. That the stars aligned to put you in the right place at a crucial time to solve a problem that only you can solve. That your particular experience and expertise has prepared you to intervene in a particular situation. This is not one of those times.

I’m sorry, Gary, but I can’t help you. I really wish I could, but despite numerous travels and TAD assignments, I have never figured out DTS. While I am sorry that I can’t help you, I can tell you that I am in good company. There are literally millions of people who can’t help you. In the entire Department of Defense there are a total of 10 people who understand DTS, and only five of them can actually use it.

I have actually met one them, although she made me promise not to reveal her name or her location in exchange for her assistance. It was amazing to watch her work. It was like meeting a superhero, or a unicorn, or a unicorn who was a superhero.

For those of you fortunate enough not to know what I’m talking about, DTS stands for Defense Travel System. It’s an online system used to coordinate official travel. You can create itineraries, purchase airline tickets, reserve lodging, draft orders, compare costs, and file for reimbursement. When I say “you can” I’m obviously not talking about you. Or even me. I simply mean that, in theory, this system is designed to accomplish this.

DTS — The last thing a Sailor sees before losing all hope.

There are a few acronyms that simply strike fear in to the very soul of a United States Sailor. INSURV is one of them. So is I.G. But the worst is DTS. Hands down I would rather show up naked, to a spot check with the CO… without hazmat, than deal with DTS. First of all the spot check would be over faster. A lot faster. On the other hand you will be dealing with DTS until you die of old age.

Fortunately with only a little diligence and motivation you can figure out DTS. I’m only kidding. It take a lot more than a little diligence and motivation. It takes a LOT of diligence and a LOT of motivation and divine intervention.

Fortunately, again, DTS has provided training guides to assist you. Yes, you read that right, guides, as in more than one. As in five. There are five guides to help you figure out how to use DTS. You just know it’s good program when they write five guides to help you use the program. Compare that to civilian travel systems like Travelocity, which provide absolutely no training guides to help travelers use the program. Using basic math this means DTS is five times easier to use than Travelocity.

This is just another time that math has lied to you (another time was when it told you that there was a thing called imaginary numbers). DTS is not 5 times easier than anything. It is not even easier that building a nuclear bomb. If you make a mistake making a nuclear bomb your problems are over. Whereas if you make a mistake using DTS your problems will never be over. Years later you will be dealing with the government trying to recoup money that it never actually overpaid you.

So here’s where I offer you a simple solution to your problem. Just don’t go to Brunswick, Maine. It’s really cold (yes, even in the summer) and there’s nothing to do anyway. It’s a whole lot easier to go to the brig for refusing to obey an order than to try to figure out DTS (in fact, someone else will do all the paperwork for you). I’m glad I could help out.

If you have a question you’d like to ask just click this link and I guarantee an answer. I can also guarantee the answer’s accuracy (it won’t be).

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“OC” Pepper Spray is Fire in Eyes

US_Navy_090213-N-7280V-009_Storekeeper_Seaman_Sergio_Torres_sprays_Seaman_Chad_Tomes_with_lemon_juice_to_simulate_getting_spayed_with_Oleor

Source: Wikimedia Commons: U.S. Navy photo by MC3 Daniel Viramontes

If there is one thing I love to do, it’s help people. I’m not going to do it today, but I am going to do the next best thing. Well, maybe not the next best thing, but I am going to do a thing. I’m going to answer one of your questions.

Today’s question comes from Frank in Little Creek, VA. He writes: “My Chief just told me I have to get OC sprayed next week. Is it true that it really hurts? What’s it like?”

Well Frank, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that it doesn’t really hurt. The bad news is that you will wish it really hurts, because “really hurts” is woefully inadequate. In fact, to say it is the most horrific pain that you will ever experience, doesn’t quite get the point across either.

Oleoresin capsicum is the full name for OC spray, which is why we use the short name. Sometimes referred to as pepper spray (but in the Navy we love our acronyms), it is made by finely crushing an extraction from peppers.

OC spray is considered an intermediate weapon. Intermediate between using your hands and using your gun. It is a good choice when the adversary is much larger or stronger than you but the situation does not call for deadly force and thus you can’t kill them, no matter how much they are pissing you off.

The upside of OC spray is it can diffuse a dangerous situation without killing someone, while at the same time, making the people you sprayed wish you had killed them. The downside is that you might spray yourself, and that happens more than you would think.

This is why all personnel who carry OC must first be sprayed with OC. If you or a teammate accidentally spray yourself in the face (like an idiot) in the middle of a riot, you are still going to be in the middle of a riot. In fact, you will be in a riot, but now with a face full of OC and a crowd full of rioters that you just tried to spray with OC. You are going to have to still be able to fight and perform in this situation.

What does it feel like to be sprayed with OC? That is the question on the mind of Frank and pretty much anyone about to be sprayed for the first time. Before I was sprayed for the first time (yes, I have been sprayed more than once) I was told, it would feel like getting soap in my eyes.

That is an accurate description, assuming that it is soap mixed with gasoline and set on fire. It is so horrifically painful, that I would rather be shot than be sprayed again.

Quick note on that last point: Save your certificate that you receive after completing the course. I cannot stress this part enough. Make a dozen copies of the cert and put one in a safe or maybe even a safety deposit box, or bury it and create a complex pirate treasure map. Whatever you do, DO NOT LOSE THIS CERTIFICATE. How do I know this is so important? Because I lost my certificate (like an idiot) and had to be sprayed again. AGAIN!

Anyway, back to my first time being sprayed. Like I said, they told me that, it would sting like soap in my eyes. Suffice it to say, it was not quite like soap in my eyes. It was so much worse. My eyes were burning as described above, but that was not all. My nose was spraying like a firehose (on the upside, if you have any sinus congestion, this will fix it). It also has a tendency to throw off your equilibrium, so I was also stumbling around a bit.

In a perfect world, after subjecting an innocent human being to this ordeal, you would apologize profusely and have them lie down where they could cry like a baby (which was all I wanted to do).

But we do not live in a perfect world. In this imperfect world I was then forced to run (or more accurately, stumble) the course. The course is about five different stations containing your shipmates holding large kick pads. The object of these stations is to simulate hand to hand combat situations where you punch, kick, and baton strike the pads being held (even though you want to hit the people holding the pads). After all the stations it was time to face off with the final boss: the Red Man.

1024px-USS_Mesa_Verde_(LPD_19)_140606-N-HB951-047_(14210986309) — Source: Wikimedia Commons: U.S. Navy photo by Seaman Phylicia A. Hanson

The Red Man is a man (or sometimes a woman) covered from head to toe with red pads. You have to fight and subdue the Red Man while he fights back. It is a full battle. Well, not quite. They go a little easy on you; by this time you are pretty tired, in a lot of pain, and have lost most of your body’s supply of phlegm (which may or may not be an essential bodily fluid).

You may ask, what I learned from this experience. I learned that I could handle myself in a riot if I was accidentally sprayed with OC, assuming that the riot was composed entirely shipmates holding pads.

I learned an even more important lesson the second time I was sprayed: DON’T LOSE YOUR OC CERT!

Good luck Frank, I’m sure you will do great. Remember, it’s just like getting soap in your eyes.

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Ask Jack? – What’s with your name?

It’s that time again, loyal fans. Time to take your heartfelt questions and offer questionable advice. Why do I do this, you might ask? I do it because I care.

Today’s question comes from Dante in New Jersey. He writes: I have been following your blog for a while and I have two questions.

1. How do I subscribe to your blog? I keep clicking the subscribe button but I never receive an email when you publish new material.

B. What’s up with your name? Your name was listed as Jack Quarterman for years, now is say’s “Rob Hoops (AKA Jack Quarterman)”. Is it Jack? Is it Rob? What’s going on?

Dante, thank you for the questions. I will answer them using the same incomprehensible numbering system you prefer.

Answer 1. In order to subscribe to my blog enter your email address in the block to the right (if on a pc) or at the bottom of the post (if on a phone) and then click the “Follow” block. But you are not done yet. You still have more to do (sorry). You will receive an email from this site asking you to confirm that you want to follow the blog. Just click the “confirm follow” block in the email and you will receive emails when new material is published. That’s all there is to it. What are you waiting for? Get to it. Stop reading and subscribe now. You can finish reading after you subscribe.

Now moving on to your second question.

Answer B. My name. What’s in a name? Wouldn’t a rose by any other name smell just as sweet? Just trust me, due to a strict bathing regimen, I smell just as sweet as a bouquet of roses.

Seriously though. My name is Rob Hoops… and Jack Quarterman. Kind of one of those split personalities type of things. Rob is the serious (well mostly serious) Chief Petty Officer with no sense of humor, and Jack is the sardonic, sarcastic, sometimes disgruntled Sailor who wants to tell jokes.

The difficulty of being a Chief… actually there are many difficulties with being a Chief… one of the difficulties with being a Chief Petty Officer is that everything you do is a testimony on your integrity and professionalism. Everything you do or say will affect how others view the Navy. Because I never wanted anyone to view their Chief (or worse, all Chiefs) as some joker who doesn’t take anything seriously, I consciously decided to use a pseudonym (a fake name, for you Army guys) in an attempt to be viewed as the “every Sailor” that anyone could identify with.

There is also a tendency in the military that as you advance in rank your sense of humor diminishes. Or maybe there is a tendency to only advance individuals who lack a sense of humor. Either way there a plenty of high ranking Naval personnel (not all, but enough) who would be highly offended by stories making light of life in the Navy. While I was on active duty I wanted to avoid any controversy associated with my writing. I have since retired from active duty and would prefer to publish material under my real name (even though some of my family will now have to change their name as a result), so I have updated the blog to reflect this. Since I originally published as Jack Quarterman, I left that name as my “AKA.”

That’s it Dante. I hope I answered your questions to your satisfaction.

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