No matter how much you love the Navy (and this can change dramatically over the course of the day), you have to get out some time. When this happens, whether you retire or simply get out after your enlistment is complete, you are going to need to get another job.
While you have been serving your country, you have received many heartfelt thanks for your service. Unfortunately that gratitude does not put actual food on the table and no matter how patriotic the public is, nobody is going to pay you a livable wage to sit around the VFW telling sea stories. Trust me, I have looked into this.
So how are you going to get by? If you are lucky, you chose a rate that you love and transfers easily into civilian employment. If you are like me, you didn’t. You instead chose a rate that has no standard equivalent or value to the civilian world. In this case you need to figure out what to do.
Before you separate from the Navy, you will have to attend pre-separation training called TGPS. It used to be called TAP (and everyone still calls it that) but, apparently, the guy who names schools needed a raise. During your schooling there you will learn about veterans benefits, educational opportunities, and how to find a job. Keep in mind that the person teaching the class already has a job and your success in finding adequate employment has no bearing on their paycheck.
Finding a civilian job is not as easy as it sounds. Looking for a new job that pays well is actually a lot of work. It’s pretty much its own full time job. Only one that doesn’t pay you anything.
As you embark on this exciting new adventure the first thing you have to do is write your resume. Next, you have to find out who is hiring. Then you have to rewrite your resume specifically for this job. Then you have fill out an application and send in your resume. Then you have to wait. Then you have to call and ask if they have received your resume. Then you have to wait. Then you have to kidnap the spouse of the hiring manager until they agree to call you in for an interview. Then you have to put on a suit, that despite fitting perfectly when purchased during your port visit to Singapore seven years ago, it has somehow shrunk the morning of the interview. Then you have to go to the interview and figure out how to lie your way through it (if you have ever been to a Sailor of the Quarter board, you will have a head start). Then you have to wait again. Then you will have to kidnap the hiring manager and probably resort to torture. Then you get hired. Then you have to work until you die. Of course this is a best case scenario, you could just as easy get fired and have to start this whole thing over again.
That’s all there is to it. Well, sort of. Before you do any of this you need to figure out what kind of job you are looking for. To do this you need to ask yourself some questions. Do you want to make a lot of money? Do you want to have a job you love? Do you want a job that is low stress? If your answer to these questions is “yes” then I have good news for you. All you have to do is fly your unicorn to the top of a rainbow and slide down into your very own pot of gold because you are living in a fantasy world.
There are jobs out there, but they are either low paying, miserable, high stress, or, more likely, a combination of all three. So if you want to do well, you are going to have to think outside the box. The good news is, I have some suggestions for you:
1. Bank Robber. Do you want to make a lot of money? Have a life of adventure? Live in housing complete with fee cable TV provided for by taxpayers? Then maybe bank robber is the job for you. All you need is a mask and a gun. If you don’t have a gun just pretend you have one. It always works in the movies.
2. Motorcycle Gang Member. If you want to be feared and respected while traveling the open roads with your friends, this is the job for you. The dress code is flexible, although the leather vest appears to be non-negotiable. On the plus side you will have a bunch of friends who are willing to die for you. On the down side your friends will expect you to be willing to die for them too. Also the hiring process is very complicated. You can’t just fill out an application online. You actually have to go down their place and apply in person. You may have to fight for your life as part of the interview process.
3. Lottery winner. If you want to get rich without any effort lottery winner is the way to go. Unfortunately you are far more likely to get struck by lightning (I don’t recommend this though, there really is no money in the lightning business, Benjamin Franklin was the last guy to capitalize on this).
4. Philosopher. This is a really good job. First you need a PhD then all you have to do is write about what you think truth is. It’s pretty easy work. You will starve to death, because nobody cares what truth is.
5. Movie star. Good luck. No, seriously, you need good luck… a lot of it. Chances are you will starve to death.
6. Rock star. See movie star.
7. Inheritance. This is another great way to get a lot of money without working too hard. All you need to do is acquire a wealthy and elderly family member who loves you the more than the rest of the family, then it’s just a waiting game.
These are just a few ideas to get you started. So get out there and find a great job and enjoy your civilian life. And when you get a job., put in a good word for me. These blog posts don’t pay as good as you might think.
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Sea Stories and other lies 