Christmas cards have arrived, and with them the “letters”

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Dear family, friends, and people who we are still pretending are friends because we may need favors in the future,

We’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year by sending you this form letter that tells you that we care about you, just not enough to write you an actual personal letter.

This has been a wonderful year for our family. We have been blessed with success, fame, and money and after reading this letter you will realize how much better we are than you.

Preston has been promoted to vice president of sales, after the last vice president was indicted for taking bribes. This is a big move for Preston and the higher salary plus all the bribes he is taking in have enabled us to start building our dream house overlooking the valley were all the poor people live.

Penelope is still senior partner in her law firm where they just started on a big new case defending Preston’s company in an investigation involving alleged bribery. It’s a very challenging case, but Penelope is convinced that with a little hard work and determination, that she will make a lot of money. As a mother of three it is a constant balance between her career and yelling at the nanny, but somehow she makes it look easy. In other news she recently took up breeding carrier pigeons, which may explain the mess on this letter.

Our oldest son, Roderick is doing wonderfully. His new business is flourishing and he is pulling in over 30 cartons of Marlboros a week at the state penitentiary. Even better news is that since all the witnesses have mysteriously died we are confident that he will be paroled in time for Christmas. He has been keeping very busy this past year weightlifting and is currently the top license plate producer in his cell block. The warden has written to tell us that even the guards avoid him. He is also preparing to run for public office. As proud as we are of his success, we are really looking forward to having him home for the holidays.

Camilla is doing well. She’s finishing up her 7th year at Harvard. Most people don’t even realize that there is a 7 year baccalaureate program in the Ivy League but our little angel is a perfectionist. Now that she’s a Junior the classes have become much more challenging but the tutors we have hired are doing well. She’s even declared a major, much to her disconcertion it turns out that Basket Weaving is not an actual field of study, and has settled for Art History.

Our youngest, Rufus is doing great too. We just know that he is going to do great things. Potty-training this year has been a challenge, but he’s speaking in full sentences and can already count to 20. He told us he wants to be an astronaut, a scientist or a heavy metal singer. We’re so proud and can hardly believe he’s almost in third grade.

The horses are our pride and joy. Old Trigger got very sick this year and it was a sad day when we had to put him down, but in a way he is still with us sealing these envelopes. No triple crown this year but the jockeys have been warned to keep the weight off or they’ll be joining old Trigger.

As the year ends, we are looking forward to the many opportunities to come in the New Year. It was great to see so many of you this past year and hope to see more of you in the year to come (this is just a formality, we would much rather not ever see most of you ever again). If you are in the area look us up, although not literally of course.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Wellingtons,

Preston, Penelope, Roderick, Camila, and baby Rufus