Guess what, everybody? The PRT is back, and it’s back with new and exciting changes. Isn’t that great news? I’m sure you all have lots of questions, which would be easily answered by reading NAVADMIN 304/20, but since you aren’t actually going to read the official guidance, I will answer them here.
It’s been so long; what, exactly, is the PRT? Power Ranger Time? Preventative Resilience Timetable?
The PRT is the Navy’s physical readiness test. The twice annual assessment ensuring you’re still in shape. Your success on the PRT is dependent on a number of variables: how many push-ups and sit-ups you complete, how fast you run 1 ½ miles, and how much money you pay the person who is recording this information. Your age also plays a factor. For example, if you are 18 years old you have to be able to do two thousand push-ups and sit-ups, and complete the run in less than 3 minutes. If you are 40 you must complete the run without dying. I might be a little off on these numbers, because the Navy is always tweaking the PRT rules.
What new changes has the Navy introduced to the PRT?
The Navy has done away with the sit-up (curl-ups) portion of the PRT. Instead of sit-ups, today’s sailors will be flogged by a cat-o-nine tails for 2 minutes. No, just kidding, it’s actually much worse. Sit-ups will be replaced by planks.
What are planks? Are we going to have to walk the plank? Is this even safe?
Another great question. No, you will not have to walk the plank. At least not as part of the PRT, but there is talk of making it a punishment as a result of captain’s mast. In the case of the PRT, a plank is an exercise that involves an individual supporting themselves on their hands (or forearms) and feet. Like you are about to do push-ups, but instead you just stay in that position… forever.
Well, not exactly forever, it just feels that way. Time seems to slow down as you perform a plank, as is seen on this comparison chart:
|Real Time||Plank Time|
|1 Second||1 Second|
|10 Seconds||15 Seconds|
|30 Seconds||457,298 Years|
Are there any other exercises being introduced to the PRT?
Yes, as a matter of fact there is another activity being introduced this year. This year the Navy will also incorporate rowing as an alternative to the run. I, in particular, like this new nautical theme in the PRT. If I could make just one change, it would be to add an outboard engine and maybe some fishing poles.
“Are there other changes are happening this year with the PRT?”
One big change is that there will actually be a PRT. This is a bit different from last year when there was no PRT due to the COVID pandemic. As a result some sailors may be a little out of shape. If at all possible, it is highly recommended that all sailors travel back in time to about a year ago and stay in shape instead of sitting around the house watching Tiger King and eating raw cookie dough. You’re going to need a DeLorean and some plutonium. Of course that would also involve reliving the house-of-horror that was 2020, and nobody wants to do that. This means that you need to burn off 12 months of junk food, and you need to do it now. I say “you” because as a retiree I am free to keep my cookie dough body for as long as I want, or at least until my wife threatens to leave me.
While trying to get back in shape, you are going need to start eating better as well. Don’t worry, I am going to help you. Mainly what you want to do is eat less. What little you do eat, should be healthy and nutritious.
The good news is that these go hand-in-hand, because healthy food isn’t known for its flavor. Try serving asparagus instead of cake at a birthday party and see what it does for your popularity. So while you are eating healthy, you are going to be less inclined to eat.
Go into your kitchen and throw out all your junk food. Next, go to the health food store and buy nutritious food, like kale (kale is still healthy right?) and anything that is gluten free. Now when you get hungry just go to the kitchen and eat whatever your roommate (who is not on a health food craze) has bought. These calories, acquired by theft, do not count and are perfectly healthy to eat (until you are stabbed by your roommate).
So get to work exercising and eating healthy. The PRT is just a few months away, unless the Navy changes the schedule again, but really, what are the chances of that?
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