Understanding the Midterms Without Narcotics

The 2022 midterm elections are finally over.  Right?  I think they’re over.  Please tell me we’re done with the midterms.  The commercials are gone and the polling centers are closed, but like a lingering party guest at 2:00 am, the election just won’t go away.

U.S. Government photograph.  Source: Wikimedia Commons
U.S. Government photograph. Source: Wikimedia Commons

The midterm election was November 8th with the final results posted in December, which seems like a long time to wait but there is a good reason.  In the United States elections are conducted in accordance with each state’s constitution.  In some states, votes are hand counted by a committee of 3rd graders with ADHD.

With the final results posted, it was time to get on with our lives.  No, sorry, we don’t do that anymore.  Instead, it was time to file lawsuits challenging the results. These cases will work their way through the courts methodically, ensuring that they will neither end, nor affect the outcome of the election.

Next came the Georgia runoff elections, required by state law in order to preserve a sense of mystery.  Neither of the two Senate candidates received a majority of votes in the general election and both appeared equally undesirable.  Democrat Raphael Warnock had few fans as many voters associated him with the need to find a co-sign to buy milk.  On the other hand, Republican Herschel Walker, a retired football star with no government experience, was averaging 38 scandals a day.  Republicans appeared to have an advantage when it was revealed that upward of 87% of the state’s population had been fathered by Walker.  In the end however, Warnock won, which is sad for the Walker family.

 The completion of the runoffs marked the end of the midterms.  At least it should have.  Instead there was some drama in House of Representatives.  Electing the speaker of the House took a few more ballots (approximately 6,295) than normal (one).  As the voting wore on, members took turns accusing each other of being Nazis.  Many feared a despotic future, lacking the wisdom of a functioning legislature.  Things looked bad, but then a hero emerged from the group.  Congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) fearlessly conceded to an elaborate list of demands (it’s rumored he ritually sacrificed a senior EPA official to prove his loyalty) and secured election as the speaker of the House.

So now the election was finally over and if there is one thing we can learn, it’s that we all hate each other.  The whole country is acting like a divorced couple dividing the property, “Oh yeah, you want California, you can keep California.  Keep California and your earthquakes and wildfires, but don’t you mess with Texas, I’m keeping that.  And you know what, I’m also keeping the Dakotas.  Yeah, both of them.  And Georgia?  We’ll talk about Georgia later.”  So things aren’t perfect, but at least we can put the midterms behind us and move on to more pleasant things like war with China.

But wait, no, not yet.  Even though it is clearly 2023 and we have plenty of our own problems, the 2022 election still won’t die.  There are allegations that newly elected Congressman George Santos (R-NY) lied during his campaign.  This, in and of itself, is hardly noteworthy.  We expect politicians to lie, and we pretend to believe them as long as they to put forth a moderate effort to avoid getting caught.  That’s the social agreement.

George Santos: A face you can trust.
Source: Wikimedia Commons

Congressman Santos, however, is pushing it a little.  It looks like he lied about every credential aside from his name.  From his religion, family history, education, work experience, to a brain tumor, he has pretty much lied about everything that has ever happened, ever.  Not surprisingly, members of congress are divided in their reactions.  Democrats (definitely not motivated by weakening the GOP majority) are calling for his resignation.  Republicans (definitely not motivated by maintaining their tiny majority) disagreed.  Republicans note that Santos was fairly elected and will have to answer to the voters (who are definitely paying attention to all this).

When challenged, Santos admitted to “embellishing my resume,” immediately making him the most honest representative in office.  “I’m sorry,” he added, which sounded sincere, and I see no reason why we should not trust him.

 Surprisingly, Florida had no issues despite a reputation of electoral difficulties.  In recent years the Sunshine State improved ballot counting so effectively that the November election results were completely tabulated in September.  Ron DeSantis was then installed as dictator-for-life in a lively ceremony where he drank from the severed head of Mickey Mouse while tossing his opponents to the alligators.

And so, it ends?  We can hope.  The 2022 midterm election is an experience best left in the past, only referenced when we need to tell our grandchildren about real problems.  Our attention now turns to the important work these elected officials are going to screw up for the next two years, when we will definitely hold them accountable (probably).

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